Bi-Polar and me.

Written by Christina Duvenhage on the 9 September 2023

As the day breaks I hear the birds outside my bedroom window singing. Every bird greeting the day with it's own song. The sun is not even out yet, yet they great it with a song in their heart. They are ready for the day.

If only it was this easy for me. But some days I struggle to just open my eyes. It's not easy to be positive about the day sometimes. But I guess this is what Bi-polar is. It steals your joy and your will to live.

I try to be positive for the day, but by 10 I am so negative. I am just not feeling like myself. I can't put my finger on what could have triggered it. I just don't know what to do about it and once it takes hold of you, you go into a downward spiral of negativity, sadness, pain, fear and death. Your brain is so focused on past hurts, a loss in your heart you can't explain.

I am not sure what is happening, but I know I do not feel like myself, almost like someone else is using my body and they are in control and all I can do is sit and watch. I just simply do not know how to change from being negative to being positive again. This is not sadness. This is feeling alone. All I know that this is not me.

How did I get to a place where someone else is living my life. I wish I could enjoy every moment and be happy with others, but I can't. Why is it so easy for others to be negative or angry one moment and the next be happy again, for me it's not that easy.

One negative word or action and my whole day is ruined. Then I can't do anything for the rest of the day, I's tiring when people don't understand what your experiencing or going through. I am sitting here feeling empty. I don't even have words to explain it. Can one feel so out of place? Everyone is happy, and here I am simply feeling nothing. Feeling irritated and I don't know why. I just feels like I don't fit in with my family anymore, like I'm the outcast, pushed aside, as if no one even needs or want me anymore. Everyone goes about their day as if I'm not even here.

And I can't help but wonder if it's me, am I doing this to myself.