Confessions of a mother

Written by Christina Duvenhage 13 August 2023 (Dairy entry)

Today was a bad day. This is the second day in a row. For the second time I had to look my kids in the eyes and say goodbye, just for me to work on my shit.

What mother doesn't have their shit together. So bad that your husband now has to play the role of father, mother and have to take care of the house.

How did I get to this place? I always was so strong, so sure of myself. Now I don't know if I come or go. My life only consists of doctors visits, medication and severe pain. Alive but not living.

Today I felt like I failed. For the second time I had to come back to hospital. Everybody is new and I find myself alone, again. I know I'm not in hospital to make friends. I am here to get better. To get answers and to get myself together.

Yet I find myself again as if no one understands. Everybody thinks I'm lying and that it's all in my head. Maybe it is, I'm not even sure anymore. Am I just imagining it? Is the heartache just to much for my heart to handle and now my body has to carry the load. I am just not sure anymore.

I am tired. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. Everything has fallen to pieces to the ground. My life puzzle has fallen to the ground. Who can say if I ever will be whole again? Will I ever be okay? Will I ever find all the pieces again or are they lost forever.

Who would have guessed that my life would take such a turn. I just hope that someday my children would understand, the why's and the how comes and that I had to fight everyday for their sake and mine. Because nothing is more important to me than to see the happiness on their faces

Even if I have to live one day at a time, I will be okay.