Critical illness and Grieving yourself.

Written by Christina Duvenhage on 29 April 2024

In the past year I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Bipolar, borderline personality disorder, severe depression, anxiety and a whole other disease. And even though I the names of one all my illnesses it still feel surreal. Medication after medication each day, doctors visits that never stops, people thinking your not really ill your just pretending All this while your judging yourself, criticizing yourself and not really wanting to accept that your life, no you have changed. Things you were able to

do, you simply can't anymore. Frustration playing a role in your everyday life. Blame, blame from others and blame from yourself. Feelings of failure a daily battle, feeling like you have failed yourself, your children, your family, you simply have just failed. And with all this, the feeling like you have lost someone so dearly close to you. And you have, you have lost yourself, the old self, probably the closest person to you. But with death comes grief, and just as you grief when someone close to you passes away, you will also feel feelings of grief when losing yourself. And that is okey. It is okey to grief the old you.

There are seven stages of grief,

1. Shock and Denial

This is the dreamlike state. Unable to comprehend the reality of the loss. Now for me, this was just wanting to continue as normal in order not to be a burden to other or myself. Not realizing that I'm making myself sicker every time

2) Pain and guilt.

It is normal to experience feelings of intense pain, sadness and guilt. I sat numerous days consumed with sadness and guilt not just for losing the old me, but for what a burden I have become to my family. Limiting their experience of life just because I cannot do certain things. For the this stage is a regular occurrence, it just never seems that I can move past it. I am faced with something every day that makes me succumb to the pain and the guilt. Guilt from not contributing to the household financially anymore, of having to put the financial burden solely on my husband. The guilt of the cost of my medications and treatment. Guilt of not being able to do the daily household tasks that I could have done previously and now having to rely on my family to do them.

3) Anger and bargaining

Feeling angry, frustrated and helpless. The constant battle in your head and with God on "Why you?" "Why now?" Feeling like your body has betrayed you. The "If only", the "I should or shouldn't have" Questioning everything and everyone. Having to take your anger out on others simply because you feel helpless and they don't understand. Having your power stripped away from you, your control taken away and left with a person you don't even recognize anymore. Having gained weight due to your medication and no diet or amount of exercise works. Being cast aside but friends, family and colleagues because you don't fit in anymore. Feeling forgotten by those that consume your mind daily.

4) Depression, reflection and loneliness

The reality of loss sets in. The is the most difficult stage. We distance ourselves from the outside world. We scream to be heard, but don't want anyone near us. Silence has become your best friend and sleeping your comfort. Pushing everyone away cause your mind has made you believe it's for the best, not for you but for those you love. Hiding away from people, sleeping a lot cause if you sleep you don't feel a thing. This is an important time to spend with your psychologist and psychiatrists to help treat the depression and help you to see it from a different perspective and to help you carry the load just a little to get better. And no, acknowledging you need help is not a weakness, This is the part where a lot of people lose their lives, just because they don't want to acknowledge they need help. I battle with myself everyday, feeling like I just want to give up, end it all. There is not a day that I don't think of taking my own life, Suicide is real. It's not selfish people that commit suicide. It's hopeless

people who commits suicide.

5) The upward turn

Adjusting to life with the loss can bring a sense of hope. Now this can happen at anytime and may take a long time. But I do believe if you have the right support structure and people to lean on, this is much easier for some people than others. I am not here yet.

6) Reconstruction and working through

Here we begin to rebuild our lives. This requires a lot of effort and self reflection. I have started to write in a journal since I was in hospital, This is my way of putting my feels on paper so I can deal with them, the hardest part for me is seperating the negative from the positve. Meditation and excercise is also a great way of being in the present and dealing with what ever is in front of you. I also again like to see my psycologist just to help me put things into perspective and be able to deal with what I am experiencing.

7) Acceptance and hope

We all get to some point where we will accept where we are in our lives and what has happened to us. This brings peace into our lives. I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to this place. Having to had said goodbye to so many things that made me me. Being a prisoner in the four walls of my home. Friendships that ended, relationships being strained and in some cases just forgotten.

IT IS OKEY TO GRIEF THE OLD YOU BEFORE THE ILLNESS. You are not that person anymore. And whether we want to or not we are somebody new and we should take time to get the new you. Take your time to grief, acknowledge what your feeling and work through it, but never dismiss it. The grieving process is different for each person and can happen in different ways. One day your okey the next your not, and that's okey, just work through it and never give up.

Your body may never heal but that should not mean you can't heal spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

REMEMBER: HEALING BEGINS WITH YOU