Fall, the season of life.

Written by Christina Duvenhage on March 2 2024

We are officially in a new season. Fall has arrived.

Lately it has been feeling like just as the seasons change, so is my life busy changing from one season to another.

And yes I know life is not suppose to be stagnant, but as we all know that change is never easy.

And as I was sitting outside looking at my garden, I realized that my life the past year has been in the fall season.

Fall you see the trees losing their leaves. The grass is withering. The flowers lose their color and everything just looks pale. The nights turns dark earlier and the mornings become light later. The wind just blows a little colder and the sun shines a little fainter.

And just like the tree's lose their leaves, I lost a lot of myself the last year, lost a lot of people in my life. I had to say goodbye to my clients and colleagues, and just like that my life stood naked before me. Ready for new leaves, ready for what ever God had planned for me.

And just as the grass withers and the flowers lose their color, I have lost myself, because everything I was, everything that gave me my identity was gone, and the wrestling with myself made me fall into deep depression. I could hardly get out of bed. Nothing made sense anymore. My world was grey, without color. I wanted to be better, but my body and mind has betrayed me. I had to fight against myself just to stay alive, because all I wanted to do was give up. But at the same time guilt to over, because just as nature begins to let itself down, so was I busy failing myself, but I just didn't have any answers, nothing to save myself. The darkness just became darker and it just took over. My light faded. The person that I was, was gone.

And just as the wind blew a little colder, everything around me turned to ice. I turned into ice. I felt nothing. This was the only way I could stay alive. People's words were empty, and just as the wind made noise while blowing through the tree's and the leaves fell to the ground, everyone's words were just noise, empty and meaningless.

Everyone says they understand but no one does. Nobody understands what it is to try to quiet the voices in your mind. Nobody understands how much energy it takes just to breathe, when all you want to do is take your last breath. Nobody understands the voice in your head saying your not good enough, nobody wants you. You are an inconvenience, you have failed. Nobody understands how much your heart hurts, so much so that you feel physically hurt and ill. Nobody knows how much you begged God just to take you, and how much you had to fight yourself just to stop yourself from ending it yourself. Everything around you is just noise, noise your ears can't handle it anymore. Your mind just can't quiet down. And just as the leaves fall, so does your will to live falls.

Even though my fall is not over yet, I know that there is not just one season in a year. And that I can't stay in this season forever. At some point my season to will change.