Feelings...

Written by Christina Duvenhage on 28 July 2023

Reading through my notes I made while in hospital last year, the one thing that stood out for me was the different types of feelings one can feel in one day. Blaming ones self. So many things happened over my 33 year of life on this earth, things I had control over and things I didn't, but yet I always found myself blaming me.

The voices in your head tells you, you should have seen it coming. You should not have trusted. You should have behaved in a different manner. You should have known, and the list goes on and on. I had all these feeling, all these emotions. With no where to run, I had to sit with them, feel them. and the only thing I thought I could do, was put them on paper just to get rid of them.

I hate feeling, I hate feeling sad, I hate feeling hurt. I hate showing emotions especially in front of people, because they can't help me. Crying is not gonna change it. What happened already broke me, so why show it. So to people I'm cold and heartless. But in my head I want to scream. I want people to feel what I feel. I also want them to hurt, but yet I could not share that to the groups sessions, that will show weakness. And maybe that is why everyone thinks I'm always fine. They only see what I choose to show them. The rest is buried deep inside, only for me. But on that day I wrote this....

Feeling rejected

Feeling low yourself,

Feeling hopelessness

Feeling hurt

Feeling scared

Feeling like the whole world is against you

or is it just all in my head.

Rejecting yourself, not seeing your worth

cause the whole world has proven that it is hell on earth.

You show your heart

You show your fears

Only for someone to steal your heart

but crush what's dear.

You trusted them

You trust them with your life, your fears, your dreams

You thought they will protect it.

But instead they killed them.

It broke me completely, without anyone even caring.

The darkness just never seems to fade.

When I close my eyes it is there,

When I dream it is there.

When I run, it follows.

And I simply can't run no more.

I'm tired of running

Tired of hiding.

Tired of pretending

It kills me every time

.

I'm used and spit out like garbage.

And I know this would happen every time

And I warn myself against it too

Yet I do not stop it.

I blame myself for hurting, for dying, for choking on my last breath.

For hoping someone cared.

It happens over and over again.

I give my whole self, I trust, I care, I love.

Just to be tossed aside, never chosen, never accepted, never good enough

Why do I do this to myself

Why do I assume that because I care, the next person will as well.

I want to hate, I want to be angry

But it is just not who I am.

So I hate myself

I am angry at myself

I condemned myself

I should choose better.

But while choosing others, I lost myself.

I lost myself.