Mental illness - The silent killer

Written by Christina Duvenhage on 2 April 2024

How many people do you know that have a mental illness? How many of them openly talks about it and how it has impacted their lives? I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar, Borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. And this is my experience...

Mental illness creeps up on you when you least expect it. I wish I knew what triggered it. I wish I could understand what is happening in my brain when I have these episodes or breakdowns. To me it's who I've been my whole life. To others it's not normal. But what is normal anyway?

I have always been labeled as difficult, full of nonsense, the problem, stubborn and a bitch. For most of my life I did not mind it. It keeps people away therefore I would not get hurt. My whole life have been an episode of heartache one after the other or as doctors would call it, trauma. You see we look at heart ache as a thing that only happens when you fall in love with someone and then they leave, then your heart is broken. And for most people this is the case. But for someone like me, it starts way earlier than that.

Some children's hearts gets broken by parents who failed them. Parents who never loved them, Never protected them, never chose them or a parent who broke a promise. Family who rejected them, labeled them as the black sheep because they did not grow up in a home with two loving parents. Never fitting in at school. Teachers treating you badly because your the poor kid. You see hearts get broken long before a crush comes your way. This was something I had to face day after day and still be grateful for the little things I did have as I knew that those little things came from someone who will protect your heart with everything in her as she understood what heartache was.

You see heartache can happen before you even reach the age of sixteen, just because someone thought it was right to touch you where they shouldn't because they know no one would believe you. Having to jump from one family home to another, never really fitting in. Having felt uncomfortable and unwelcomed because someone had to share their plate of food with you or someone chasing you away like a dog out of their home, just because they found Jesus and can't have you living in sin. Every rejection chips away at your heart until you have no heart left. You see I had to be a bitch in order to fight for myself because no one else would. But even having to fight all the time makes you tired, It drains you mentally and emotionally until you just give up.

You see heartache kills you slowly. Heartache destroys you.  It is a hurt no one understands.  The rejection of someone you completely love, kills every once of life in you.  The confirmation that you are never good enough, always the problem, always in the way.  Someone people use and then discards. The past haunting you, looking at every chance it gets to remind you how worthless you are.  A constant battle you must fight just to enjoy somewhat of a life.  Life just getting to much and death seems like the only solution.

This I learned when I was lying in a hospital bed puking my guts out just in order for doctors to keep me alive and not die from the bunch of pills I took, just to end my life as I could not handle the hurt in my heart anymore. I was tired and I gave up.

You see we with mental illnesses do not see the world as others do. We see in black and white, right or wrong. There is no middle ground, No grey and no colors. When things are going good we question what is the hidden agenda. We don't believe we are worthy of happiness and love, because who would love us anyway. We blame ourselves for everything even things we did not have control over. Every setback is personal. Every rejection is like a knife through the heart. We know we are different. We want to be loved but we mess it up because our minds won't keep quiet. We are constantly over thinking, over annualizing. We see hidden agendas and feel rejected by the slightest change in vibrations. We feel ashamed to be labeled as a mentally ill patient as everyone will think we are crazy or we want to use it for pity. We push away those we love hoping they would fight for us. We test the people in our lives over and over to make sure they love us. We are insecure and needs constant reassurance. We need to be chosen over and over again. We want to be understood yet we don't understand ourselves. We feel lonely all the time, even with people around us. We might seem fine, happy and laughing, but inside we are screaming.

We want people to understand our reality, from our point of view, and yes we may have a distorted picture and a warped way of thinking, but we still want to be accepted.

You see mental illness affects everyone differently as we are triggered by different things. We might seem fine one day and the next we are in bed for a week. So many people have committed suicide and their friends or family always say they wish they knew. We are not gonna say we are not fine. We are so use to carry our burdens alone that we wont ask for help, until one day we can't carry no more. Being mentally ill is not a choice, it is something we are born with or triggered by traumas. We fight a battle we can't see everyday. We feel guilty for being ill, being a burden to others, being difficult and being misunderstood. We may choose life everyday but suicide is always in the back of our minds,

So many commit suicide daily without anyone even knowing they were depressed, stressed or being mentally ill. Mental illness is a silent killer no one sees coming. It's like a thief in the night, it steals away at your soul until you have nothing left and then kills you without making a noise. It's a dark reality we have to face each day. A never ending battle.