Sometimes it's hard for me to just be me.

The last 6 years I've been discovering and rediscovering myself over and over again. Just as we live in an ever changing world, so do we. And for an overthinking change is your enemy or so we think.

I have been called a lot things over my 33 years on this earth. Things like fat, ugly, crazy, bitchy, strict, full of nonsense, back stabber, warped thinking and so much more. And the sad part is that for the most part of my life I believed all those things. I believed that I was never good enough and maybe sometimes still do.

Now a lot of people out there had the privileges' of getting to know them self on an early stage in life, but anyone who has been through trauma knows that the image you see of yourself is not always a pretty one. But for me my trauma started way before I could even form an image of myself. It was a matter of survival, people pleasing and keeping out of the way because you do not want to be a burden to anyone.

But over the last 6 years I started to get to know me. I learned that I was not strong, I am actually very fragile and sensitive. I do not want to be the one always fighting, I want to be fought for. I hate to be the bitch, but if I am not then everyone is going to walk all over me. I am not ugly, but yet I am very insecure so everyone around me is simply more prettier than me and I will be replaced at some point. I do not see myself as valuable. I am fat, but I do not care. I am full of nonsense but its only because I know what I want, and I have the right to say so. I love easily but gets hurt to much therefore my walls are build high. I am jealous, but only because everyone leaves me at one point. I have a sad soul but struggle to cry. I want a love that burns your soul but calms my mind. I want safety and security so that I can be free.

But I heard a poem this morning that says, "sometimes it's hard for me to just be me". I've been labeled so much with things that aren't true simply because people never stick around to get to know me. And I started to think, so you take these labels and make them your own or do you just give up on fighting them. You see the thing with labels are, is that it defines you. When people hear a certain label they make up their minds about who and what you are, without getting to know you. I have encountered this the last year. I have recently been diagnosed with bi-polar 2 disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, undifferentiated inflammatory arthritis and knee osteoarthritis, and fibromyalgia, a whole lot of diseases that I don't even know where to begin. But the one thing that stood out to me for a while now, is how quickly people are to define you by your illnesses, especially your mental illnesses. Every time I react a certain way or defend myself, I am in the wrong, "because of my illnesses". People don't care to respect me and if I demand it, it's wrong and it's my illnesses speaking. If I simply want to talk about concerns and how I feel, I am overreacting due to my illnesses. The blame always gets shifted to me, because of my illnesses. How do I keep fighting against a world who does not see me for who I am, but only see the labels I am carrying around. I did not ask to be ill, the trauma I endured made me this way. No one is apologizing for the trauma that has been caused, but are quick to point a finger and give labels.

So yes, sometime it is hard for me to just be me, because the real me comes with scars, wounds a broken spirit, issues, past traumas, insecurity and labels, labels that describes me, but does not define me.

#labels #people #sometimes #loveyourself